|
Post by Sprague Dawley on Jun 5, 2023 0:46:21 GMT
Japan PM Gifts Life-Size Bukkake Tapestry To Italian Prime Minister
--Japan Today--
The Japanese Prime Minister has today astonished his Italian counterpart by gifting her with a life-size hand-woven tapestry depicting a full reenactment of Japan's legendary 2017 Annual Parliamentary Bukkake Summit.
"We feel this artwork accurately represents the present day spirit of the Japanese samurai" said the Japanese Prime Minister. "The subjugation and violence towards women reflects the innately cruel nature of All We Japanese Men. This has been artistically rendered into a fantasists sphere of influence where we can give head to our wildest most uninhibited fantasies involving sperm, mother, savage beatings, semen, headlocks and, of course, gallons and gallons and gallons of bukkake man-spooge."
"That's me in the back and to the left a bit. I gave myself a roofie and let the good times flow."
"My shit's on fire. Like Richard Pryor. Straight got the monkey dick."
The Italian Prime Minister has made herself unavailable for comment.
|
|
|
Post by Sprague Dawley on Jun 13, 2023 3:52:17 GMT
Local Envoy Completely Misunderstands Meaning of "AIDS Activist".
--Japan Times--
The local envoy for the Tokyo Consulate, Dr Bruce Saint of Wollongong, Australia has today completely misunderstood the meaning of the term "AIDS Activist".
"Why you wanna activate all that fucken AIDS bullshit again? You'd be a stupid cunt." --Dr Bruce Saint.
"That AIDS shit was fucken dangerous back in the day you dickhead" continued Dr Saint. "We got enough fucken problems right now with all this Corona virus bullshit and here you fucken go, trying to activate fucken AIDS again. The fuck is wrong with you ya fucken drongo? Last thing we need, fucken AIDS activated in the community again. You're like a fucken terrorist mate. A fucken eco-bio terrorist or some shit. You got some fucken AIDS in some little vials you want to biff around the airport or something? Why you so butthurt your precious AIDS is suddenly not in the spotlight? Fucken dickhead. Fuck off with your pro-AIDS campaign bullshit."
|
|
|
Post by Sprague Dawley on Aug 10, 2023 2:22:19 GMT
Prince Harry Begs Japanese Mafia To Kill His Wife.
--Japan Times--
England's Prince Harry has taken the unprecedented step of traveling to Japan to beg the notorious Japanese mafia to kill his wife.
"Please. Thanks lads. Payment in escrow. Make it quick. Or slow. I don't give a fuck either way really."
"She is a pesky Yoko Ono-style slag named Meghan Markel" said the Prince to an assembled room of yakuza hitmen. "About so-tall. Black hair. Never shuts up. I'll distribute photos later. The whinging slag has completely fucked up my life. I just want to have some tea and chips and a laugh with my bald knobhead brother in the palace but now all my fam hate me."
"I've gone from being a rakish young navy Apache pilot to the emasculated simp of a dreadful American 40-something divorcee. A C-grade actress for fucks sake. Fuck my life. Anyway, time to punt the shrieking slag into the sun. The Rising Sun! Haha, just a little local humour there. Righto. Operation Banzai Bonsai Ballsack Liberation is a red hot go, my motherfuckers."
|
|
|
Post by Sprague Dawley on Aug 29, 2023 0:07:05 GMT
Local Man Misunderstands Meaning of "Hate Crimes Summit".
--Times--
A local man has today taken grave offense at being invited to a "Hate Crimes Summit."
"Look mate, I don't want to attend some bloody Hate Summit to learn about how to bash some poor foreign fuckwit in the head. Those days are behind me."
"Mate, I am actually offended at the very thought of attending a summit specifically designed to further my skills in regards to Hate Crimes" continued the local man, Mr Bruce Saint. "Sure, the local chinese blokes can be arseholes at times. But so what. I can't believe that in this day and age some violent aggro cunt has organised an actual Summit to discuss about how to bash up more fuckers in the streets. The bloody nerve of the bastard! Righto."
|
|
|
Post by Sprague Dawley on Aug 30, 2023 23:12:11 GMT
90-Year Old Mitch McConnell To Run For President.
--NY Times--
Mitch McConnell has today announced he is running for the 2024 presidency.
"I've got my Death Star Death Stare down pat" said the 94-year old senator. "As you can see, I've been working on it recently at the lectern. It will put the fear of God into Sleepy Joe."
"Watch how quiet the room goes when I do my Death Star Death Stare. Goddamnit woman, what is it now, I'm busy trying to do my Death Star Death Stare over here...."
"Me and Sleepy Joe are America's two most experienced senior statesman" continued the 98-year old Sith Lord. "We know what's best for the nation and for the world. And if anyone disagrees with me I will give them the DDSS. That stands for 'Death Star Death Stare.'"
"Feel it. Feel the power of it you motherfuckers."
|
|
|
Post by Sprague Dawley on Sept 13, 2023 23:05:12 GMT
Japanese Politicians "Spewing" At Choice Of Female Minister
--Japan Times--
Japanese ministers are said to be "spewing" at the choice of female minister selected for this year's Parliamentary Bukkake Fest.
"Haha, she looks like my older brother in drag" commented Uncle Manabu, the Minister for Unexploded Coastal Ballsacks. "I'll jack it to anything but fuck me I'm going to need to knuckle down mentally to access my fourth estate of spankbankery for that Betty Crocker."
"For fucks sake. Worst Parliamentary Bukkake Fest EVER" asided Mr Kono, the Minister for Heavily Redacted LGBTQ Grot Mags. "No fucking way I'm getting a visit from my massive 12-millimetre Mr Stiffy with her around."
"Haha, she looks like some random old geezer off the street playing silly buggers with lipstick and a Karen hairdo" lamented Uncle Kendo, the Minister for Child Abductions from Rural Bus Stops.
One minister even made the unprecedented step of telephoning his wife to tell her he would be home early. He reportedly has not seen his wife or children since 1997.
"Yeah, will be home early tonight. Yeah, this year's Bukkake Fest chick is an absolute dog. She looks like cousin Taro if he got plastic surgery by Stevie Wonder. After Steve-o's had a few dozen shots of tequila. Yeah. Yeah. Shit the kids are that old now? What were their names again? Right. Yeah, right, I remember now. You were Momoko, right? Or was it Tomoko?"
|
|
|
Post by Sprague Dawley on Nov 21, 2023 7:36:35 GMT
Butthole Surfers Begin 3-Year Residency At Las Vegas Sphere.
--Vegas Gazette--
On the very first night of the Butthole Surfers 3-year residency at the Las Vegas Sphere, during the very first song entitled "The Shah Sleeps In Lee Harvey's Grave" no fewer than 8,812 people reportedly suffered epileptic seizures.
The Shah does indeed sleep in Lee Harvey's grave.
2,889 of the seizures were fatal.
The band are believed to have left stage immediately after the first and only song of the show, left town, hijacked Elon Musk's Space X rocket, taken off, and are currently in deep space hammering away at the control panel of the stolen rocket in an attempt to make the vessel explode.
|
|
|
Post by Sprague Dawley on Dec 8, 2023 23:12:56 GMT
Tony Soprano Impersonator Bombs In Tokyo.
--Japan Today--
A Tony Soprano impersonator has bombed as scheduled entertainment at an Ambassador's Luncheon in Tokyo attended by various diplomats. "We've had a few Tony Soprano impersonators in here but this big fat dummy is far and away the worst I have ever seen" said one diplomat,.
"Badda boom, badda bing, then you whack the guy, concrete shoes, iron staircase, back home to Jersey in time for mama's meatballs and pastrami." "That's not how the real Tony Soprano talked." "You idiot. The real Tony would never say stuff as dumb as this." "You are terrible at this."
"Joisey." "Jersey." "Jahzee." "Jersey."
"... and den I sez to Fat Tony, you want me to dump da bodies in da Hudson, boss?" "I thought you were Fat Tony?" "This dope is getting mixed up pretending to be someone else who is pretending to be him."
"....den I'm in the conservatory and I take da lead pipe like dis...." "That's from the board game 'Cluedo', you dingus." "What's next, Colonel Mustard in the Throne Room?"
|
|
|
Post by Sprague Dawley on Jan 10, 2024 0:02:42 GMT
Boeing Door Unhinged By Sudden Passenger Flatulence
--NY Times--
Preliminary findings have revealed the Boeing jet door that fell off mid-flight was actually blasted off its hinges by a passenger's sudden and extreme flatulence. The passenger has been identified as Aunty Doris Gunston.
"Yeah sorry cuntz, got the sherry and curry rolling around in me guts then add in the three pre-flight schooners I skulled and before you know it mayday mayday, turbo-guff, straight out the fucken clacka."
"Don't just sit there having a fucking cry you lightweight wendies, get some bloody 2x4 and fix this fucking hole. There's a sudden draught coming in." --Aunty Doris having just hung a massive fart that blasted the airplane door clean off its hinges and out into space.
A Boeing engineer reported "the blast generated by the passengers' sudden explosive flatulence was equal to 800 gms of TNT. That door didn't stand a chance."
"Turn the plane around? Like fuck we are. If this plane isn't in Wollongong an hour from now I'll fart your other fucken doors off. Wankers."
|
|
|
Post by Sprague Dawley on Jan 19, 2024 11:12:14 GMT
Japanese Parliamentary Summer Bukkake Fest Begins Screening and Vetting Process For Skanky Hopefuls.
--Japan Today--
The Japanese government has today begun their rigorous screening process in order to select the finest skanks, ho's and cross-eyed bitches for the upcoming Japanese Parliamentary Summer Bukkake Fest.
As usual, the festival will be held in private parliamentary chambers away from the prying eyes of members of the public.
"If dirty old Sato to my right here is 14th in line in the Bukkake Queue and his stiffy is already at a 65 degree angle then how long have you got before skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight?"
"If I have 1 stiffy in this hand and 3 stiffies in the other hand, how many stiffies do I have in total?"
"Of course the sad slag to my left doesn't have any microphones in front of her. She may well be the Minister of Finance but she's really only here to make the tea and front up to Bukkake Fest to cop gallons and gallons of man spooge all over her teeth, eyes, cheeks and chin. Usher, would you please escort whoever asked that fucking question OUT of this very important Summer Bukkake Fest Screening and Vetting process."
"How do you spell 'pube'?"
"If dirty old Sato to my right here is jacking it at 270 bpm and the wind outside is a south-wester blowing at 4 knots and the shinkansen bound for Nutsack City Limits is heading north through Tokyo at 220 mph then how long does it take for ejaculation to occur? Answer me! Timing is everything in Bukkake!"
|
|
|
Post by Sprague Dawley on Feb 6, 2024 2:33:34 GMT
FAT-FINGERED CHUCK FINGERED UP THE CLACKA BY THE GHOST OF LADY DI.
--Times--
The Royal Physician Emeritus Dr Bruce Saint of The Royal Buckingham Hospital via Wollongong Regional Cock and Balls Clinic has today announced the discovery of the root cause of King Charles cancer.
"Yeah look mate, I've examined the royal clacka with all the tools of me trade, including the rigid digit, and it is my expert medical opinion that the Ghost of Lady Di has left her deadly ghostly touch in the form of voodoo cancer all up the Chuckster's royal guts. Jug-eared cunt's riddled with cancer mate. He's fucked."
King Charles and Lady Di were married from 1982 until 1995 when Chucky, having had a gutsful of the saucy doe-eyed slag, had her murdered in France.
"Yeah makes sense medically, mate" continued Dr Saint. "The jilted spunk has come back from the grave to give King Snotbirth IIIrd a vengeful fingering up the khyber with her cancer-soaked finger, suck on that Camilla. Not a surprise really, many cases of this sort of thing are documented in Wollongong medical science tableture."
|
|
|
Post by Sprague Dawley on Feb 9, 2024 9:56:18 GMT
United States Supreme Court Makes Surprise Appointment.
--NY Times--
The Supreme Court of the United States of America has today made the somewhat surprising decision to elevate notorious Wollongong "peacemaker" Mr Gene Gunston of Wollongong, Australia into their ranks.
"Roe vs Wade up my fucken piss stream, cunt." - the Rt Hon Mr Gene Gunston (rear, 2nd from left)
Chief Judge Roberts clarified the appointment by stating "we wanted a bipartisan presence who would settle delicate differences of opinion over legal documentation with a casual spew and a "get fucked you dickhead".
"Abortion? The fuck you just call me cunt? You're the fucken abortion, mate." - the Rt Hon Mr Gene Gunston (rear, 2nd from left)
"Solar power? Yeah, sorry cunt but my Mcullough DeForester Mk 4 chainsaw doesn't run on stupid solar power you hippie fuckwit. Solar power is fucking OUT." - the Rt Hon Mr Gene Gunston (rear, 2nd from left)
"I could totally take a piss on dirty ol' Judge Clarence from back here..." - the Rt Hon Mr Gene Gunston (rear, 2nd from left)
"I hereby declare that schooners are free at the Redfern RSL on Friday nights from 7-8 pm." - the Rt Hon Mr Gene Gunston (2nd from left)
"I hereby sentence my dickhead brother Mr Wayne Gunston of Wollongong, Australia to death by stoning for Crimes Against Ugliness haha get fucked Wayne you dickhead, you are fucked now cunt hahaha." - the Rt Hon Mr Gene Gunston (rear, 2nd from left)
|
|